My Fear of Fear.... (Anxiety)

I'm in the dark
Sheets wet, sweating profusely
My heart is beating 
I hear each thump like a hammer in my chest.
I shake my head left to right
Right to left
I can't shake it off
A million thoughts running through my head
Or is it my mind
I'm not certain. 
Each distinct, each lost in the intensity of a new thought

They hit me like a meteor shower
Fast bright 
Enough to experience
too fast to dwell on
One after the other
The insecurities, the losses
The doubts, the uncertainties
The unfinished discussions
The unsolved problems
The unknowns
They overwhelm.
Each seemingly greater than the former
I try to shake it off.
I shake my head
Left to right, right to left
Over and over

The fear kicks in
It's not the fear of the dark
Or of the unknown lurking in the shadows
It's not the fear of the imaginative mind's creation 

of a monster hiding in the closet
It's the fear of fear
The fear that grips like a heart attack
I grope in the dark. 
I hold my chest. I'm panicking. 
My heart beats so hard I wince.
Faster and faster it goes
My breathing is fast, short and fast
In and out, in and out, in and out
And my brain shuts down.

Then it stops
As quickly as it started.
My heart stops. 
I can't breathe
WAIT! I'm screaming.....
No sound. I can't breathe.
I feel the deep pain in my chest stretching to my back.
I am paralyzed. I can't move
I feel the treacle of sweat down my face mixed in my tears.
It seems I've been crying....
How did I miss that
I shut my eyes tightly
So tight it hurts
There's a battle between my head and my heart.

Then I hear it ever so softly.
Breathe.... it says
Breathe... So my body obeys
My heart resumes like a generator restarted.
The rhythm steady, humming, 
I hear the slight purr of the Air conditioner.
My mind latches to it
White noise, calming steady humming
I hear the sound of the frog in the swamp
Miles away croaking in the rhythm of the night.
I feel the anxiety pass.
I open my eyes. I stare in the dark.
I whisper to myself....Be Well

Debbie Ubaru 

21st July 2021